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ddicerc
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 4:09 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chguck prepared to resume his march toward Balgavarr. He just wasn't having much fun, and there weren't a whole lot of laughs lately (not that Chguck minded much, since usually when people were laughing it was at his expense, and he was usually up to his eyeballs (literally or figuratively) in some kind of a mess). Besides, something was parenthetically bothering him, as if...as if...just what the grabwuk were nested parentheses anyway?

Francis seemed to be amused by something, though, as he watched Chguck finish up the last of the by now moldy rat stew and prepare to head off. "Yesssss," Francis said. "I think I will continue to travel with you."

"Just what me need," thought Chguck.

"Yessss, it issss what you need,"Francis replied.

It took a while for what had just happened to sink in. "Hey-you read my mind!" Chguck spluttered.

"It'sssss not assss if that isssss sssssuch a hard thing," chuckled Francis. "Your thoughtssss are quite sssssimple."

"How you do that?" Chguck asked. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the answer, but morbid curiosity got the better of him.

"I am an accomplisssshed Legilimensssss," Francis answered.

Chguck frowned and pondered, rather ponderously. "That not part of the game," he finally offered.

"No, I learned it while working asssss a wandering monsssster at Hogwartsssss," admitted Francis. "Ssssstill, it comessss in handy at timesssss."

Chguck thought some more. "Excussssse me?" Francis retorted. "That wassss rather rude."

Chguck smiled. He decided to keep his mind blank, an art at which he was quite accomplished. He chortled mindlessly as he watched the puzzled look on Francis' face. If he had been thinking, he would have thought how amusing it was that the Sarslayan couldn't read his thoughts, and might be wondering how powerful Chguck must be to hide his thoughts, when it really was just Chguck's ability to go totally blank at will.

The two trudged along the path to Balgavarr (or at least the one headed in the general direction of Balgavarr-there were a lot of places between where they were and the Kafnaysans, which meant an almost endless number of adventures could lie ahead of them, a thought which would have made Chguck shudder, had he actually been thinking about anything). The silence between them was almost palpable. They stopped for lunch-Chguck grubbing up some grubs, while Francis...well, let's not go there just now. Finally, Francis broke the stillness.

"Yessss, I think you might do," he said ominously.

Chguck reached for his axe, forgetting for the umpteenth time that he no longer had it. "What you mean?" he asked warily, edging away from the snakeman.

"I have an offer to make you," Francis replied.

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Can you tell I just finished reading Harry Potter 6 recently?
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(Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...)
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 9:18 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

More mysteries from Professor Snake, thought Chguck. Would the Stewmaster ever give him a straight answer?

"Where we go?" he asked.

We goesss to the tunnelssss, my precioussss," came the reply.

"What tunnels?" The only tunnel he knew of was the Tunnel of Love at the Tulgesh County Fair, and he'd been knocked out of the boat with a solid smack from the Spoon before Pataclaragertrude would let him get in the first smooch. He didn't want to take that ride with Francis. The thought of getting a hickey from those fangs was a little... well... freaky, even for a Trog™.

"To the tunnelsssss that takesssss ussss under Balgavarr," hissed Francissss. (Oh geez, now I'm doing it!). "Isss a short cut, it isssss."

Under the mountains? That sounded neat, even to a Trog™ that preferred the open. Chguck was claustrophobic, and didn't even know what the word meant. However, it seemed like a good idea. A short cut as opposed to traveling several days overland. Why not?

"Why notsssss, indeed." said Francis.

"Stop that," Chguck scolded. Why had he not paid closer attention during Occlumency lessons? (See? I read HP6 too!)

Suddenly Francis skidded to a stop. Chguck almost ran into him (he did step on his tail, but Francis appeared not to notice). "What?" he demanded. "Why we stop?"

"Ssssssomething wicked thissss way comessss," was the answer. That was for sure, as the sounds of crashing and heavy footsteps coming their way was a dead giveaway.

There was nowhere to hide. They were in the middle of a large clearing, and the trees were a hundred yards in any direction. They'd be spotted well before they reached them. Francis drew the strange curvy blade it wore and waited, an almost eager expression on its expressionless face. Chguck drew his.... again he realized he had nothing to draw, so he bravely stepped behind Francis to provide backup.

The trees ahead of them were waving as something large made its way through them. Growls and the occassional roar could be heard. "Me no liking this," Chguck muttered. Francis didn't answer.

At that moment the creature appeared. It was enormous! A huge bipedal reptile with a long snout full of sharp teeth, massive muscular legs, and scrawny, tiny little arms that were holding; of all things, a clipboard. Perched on the snout was a thick pair of hornrim glasses. "Kill!" it roared. "Slay, execute, murder, butcher."

It came to a stop and looked down on them. "Pests," it snarled. "Nuisances, annoyances, nudniks!" It regarded them as one might regard an ant. "Stomp, hurt, harm, wound, bruise, damage!"

"Aaaaaagh!" Francis screamed, utterly horrified. "A Thesaurus!"

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Nudnik is really a word, look it up!
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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


Last edited by Majiken on Wed Aug 17, 2005 6:33 pm GMT; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 5:09 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

The huge beast stomped toward them. "Intruders, invaders, trespassers!" he snorted.

Francis turned to Chguck. "How fasssst can you run?" he asked.

Chguck though about his exploits among his tribesmen. "Huh, me 13th fastest Trog™ in clan," he boasted.

"And how many Trogs™ are in your clan?" Francis quizzed him.

This was indeed a difficult question. Chguck's head always hurt when he tried to count anything above five (OK, anything above two, but with the adrenaline rush he was sure he could go higher right now.) "Um, me think about eighty?" he guessed (entirely at random, of course).

Francis pondered, even as the Thesaurus continued toward them. ("Offensive! Insulting! Repulsive!" it shrieked.) "And how many of thosssse are adult male warriorssss?" he asked.

This was easier. "Thirteen," Chguck answered.

"Good. Then I am fasssster than you," Francis cried triumphantly, and immediately headed off at full speed into the forest.

"THIS NOT GOOD!" Chguck called after him. The Thesaurus was almost upon him, roaring, "Obliterate! Eliminate! Eradicate! Decimate!"

Just then a human stepped out of the woods. He had curly hair, a moustache, and rather large, strange goggles over his eyes. He held up his hand majestically. The Thesaurus stopped and diverted his attention to the newcomer.

"I'm sorry," the man said. "You're not allowed here."

"Not allowed, permitted, tolerated?" asked the Thesaurus, clearly puzzled (confused, confounded, baffled, mystified).

"No," stated the man, rather authoritatively. (Chguck thought his voice sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn't place it just then, not with all the chaos raging around him-not that he could have done it under calm circumstances, but hey, I'll cut him a break here.) "You aren't a legal monster. You're not even one of the Fifth Monsters."

What be a Fifth Monster? thought Chguck. He had once been called a Fifth Monster after a long night at The Slithering Snail while carousing with his friend Jakdanyals, although even then he wasn't sure what it meant (in fact, that night he wasn't sure what a whole lot of things had meant), but that didn't seem to be what the strange man was referring to.

The man continued, "I'm going to have to confiscate you as illegal."

"HELP! ASSISTANCE! AID! SOS!" screamed the Thesaurus, before he disappeared in a large puff of acrid smoke.

The man turned to Chguck. "You're on your own now," he sniffed. "If it were up to me I'd banish you, or even delete you, but if I don't give the hounds their raw meat I'll be working overtime cleaning up the forum." And with that the man vanished.

Chguck paused. The man's last speech was utterly incomprehensible (or, as Chguck put it, "Huh?"), but it didn't sound like anything that would be any fun for Chguck (except maybe for the part about raw meat, as long as it was properly aged). He shrugged and started off toward the Kafnaysans again.

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between characters in this installment and real-life figures is purely intentional.
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 8:08 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

After his brush with the Thesaraus (and better grammar), Chguck wandered aimlessly for awhile, not exactly sure where he was going. While he was glad that Francis had apparently abandoned him, he was starting to feel the need for company.

"Me feel like some company," he groused.

Days passed while his feet took him unsteadily in no particular direction. Sometimes he headed toward the Kafnysans, only to have his feet get twisted on a path and take him due south toward the southern coast. He skirted the edge of Lostinthe woods, and hiked the tree-lined borders of the golden plains of Seshara. Only occasionally did he see any signs of life. But a lonely Trog™ is not necessarily a stupid Trog™ (did I just write that?), and many were the times he would duck behind a copse of trees or into a thick stand of tall waving grass to avoid being seen by roaming bands of the Ghwereste. They all seemed to be hunting diligently for something, and his sense of me-always-the-victim way of thinking made him believe it was him they sought.

When his stomach rumbled he scrounged around, eating grubs, worms, and one time, an entire colony of ants that took the better part of a day to eat because only a few would come out of the hill at a time. He still thought fondly about the four beatles he had uncovered after lifting a rotting piece of liver he found in a stagnant pool. They had looked at him, waved their antennas, and proceeded to squeal about what a hard day's night it had been for them. He ate them one at a time, enjoying the way they crunched, and pausing a moment to stare at the rather large proboscis on the last one. It regarded him with a rather doleful expression. "Why you so sad?" he asked it, forgetting completely that being eaten can really ruin your day.

"I'm not," it answered. "It's just me face."

"Me eat you now," Chguck explained. "Nuttin' personal, okay?"

The beatle shrugged. "The good times ended when Jahn hooked up with that stink-bug, Yuko. We knew we were splitsville after that, mate. No reunion tour for this group!"

Feeling better about the whole situation, Chguck swallowed the ringed beatle down.

Later on, he watched the great moon rise over the plains while he stood on the bank of a wide river. Only one river in Cyrea was so large and so swift, so he knew he was standing on the banks of the Whitecap Depths. Far to swift to swim across, and leagues long in either direction, but he knew that if he followed it toward the setting sun it would lead him back to where it was born beneath the mountains that housed Balgavarr.

That was for tomorrow. For now he was tired and footsore, and the spongy moss on the bank would make for a soft bed, with the rushing water singing a Naiad's lullaby. He curled up in a ball, popped his thumb into his mouth, and was asleep in moments.

Hours later, when the strong currents of a swell surged by and tore his section of the bank loose, he never noticed, dropping into an even deeper sleep by the gentle rocking of his little sod boat.

The river carried him due south, away from Balgavarr and on a direct line to the Melenar coast and Tulgesh, Capital City of the coral elves.

It was going to be a rough morning when he awoke.


To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Hey, I love the oldies as much as the next guy, but when you get an idea...
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 8:08 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chguck awoke to the sweet smell of the fresh, damp sod he was lying on, coupled with the sharp tang of salt water. He looked off in the distance, seeing the beauty of white rapids set against a shoreline replete with bright green dunegrass and more than a few brightly colored wildflowers.

"Ugh, how disgusting!" Chguck thought. "Bad way to wake up in morning."

He felt a little queasy as he sat up. Now queasiness was certainly nothing new to Chguck (who, after all, had spent more than a few long nights at the Slithering Snail, eaten still more questionable edibles-not to mention a few non-edibles-in his time, and, for that matter, had grabwukked more than once on this particular expedition), but he couldn't think of any reason why he should feel that way this morning. Everything he had eaten lately had been pretty much standard fare for a Trog™ traveller, and he hadn't been really plastered in...heck, he couldn't remember the last time he had been really plastered. Then he looked around, saw the mighty Whitecap depths surrounding him, and immediately (more or less, by goblin standards) knew why.

"Me seasick," Chguck mumbled, as he turned a rather unnatural shade of green. Sure enough, grabwuk happened.

While Chguck was heaving at one end, he was also emitting at the other. Given his prowess at this function, he found himself in a fairly short amount of time (or perhaps it was a long stretch of time, but Chguck was so preoccupied with his nausea that he didn't notice, and besides, he was never that good at figuring out time anyway, beyond "sun up" and "moon up," and he was always confused when there was no moon up at night, thinking perhaps time had stopped, but that's another story for another time), running his little sod floe onto the sandy banks of the river.

Chguck arose, a trifle unsteady but otherwise none the worse for wear, and tried to figure out which way he should go. It took him a little while (OK, most of the morning) to realize the river had carried him in the exact opposite direction of theone he wanted to travel.

"Oh, @$^*#%& !!" Chguck yelled. (And a Trog™ yelling goblin obscenities is a sight one seldom forgets, no matter how much time and money you sink into therapy.) He was as mad as he had been since...well, since the day after his wedding, when he realized that the party he had enjoyed so much the night before now meant he was stuck with Pataclaragertrude for life (not, of course, realizing that also meant she was stuck with him, which was far worse), and he had briefly sworn off imbibing forever (actually, he made it a whole three hours, before he realized...well, you can continue this loop).

"Now what me do?" Chguck asked, although there was no one to answer him, and if there had been he would most certainly have been quite startled if they had. He tried to get his bearings, but soon remembered that he had left them in the garage when he was working on the wheels of the wardog cart he was inventing. (And just think-Chguck, inventing...two words that should never be used in the same sentence.) Then off in the distance, he spotted something gleaming in the morning sun. With nothing better to do, Chgcuk decided to investigate. (Or, to be more precise, Chgcuk kind of vaguely wandered off in that general direction, not really thinking about what he was doing, but fascinated by the shiny object.)

When he got closer, he saw that it was a golden bell, hanging in an ornate frame. A large mallet of some kind of rubbery material hung by a leather thong on the side of the frame. Chguck gingerly grasped the mallet. Nothing happened.

"What the heck," thought Chguck. He swung the mallet mightily and struck the bell.

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: OK, we left off the bodily function humor for a while, but you knew it was going to come back someday-didn't you?

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2014-2015 U.S. National Champion
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:17 pm GMT    Post subject: Chapter 33 1/3 Reply with quote

The bell's toll was rather pleasant, even to a Trog™'s ears. It rang out loud and strong, causing the ground beneath Chguck's feet to vibrate ("Hoo hoo, hee hee, that tickle me tootsies."). It was a bit too loud though, and he quickly dropped the hammer just in case someone came looking for the bell-ringing culprit.

Far out in the lake the water began to churn and bubble, reminding him of the last time he ate enchiladas at the Slithering Snail. A long tentacle rose from the center of the disturbance and waved in the air. It was soon joined by another, then another, and so on, and so on, and so on, until Chguck lost count. Okay, he lost count after four, which was as high as he could count, but we'll just say there was a lot of tentacles waving around.

"Them a lot of tentacles out there!" Chguck marveled.

Redundant nitwit.

The tentacles began to move toward shore and Chguck suddenly felt uneasy. They were rather long and would soon be in close enough to grab an unwary Trog™. He backed up and stepped on the toes of a coral elf. The blue-skinned elf grabbed his skinny shoulders and gave the Trog™ a good shake. "What have you done?"

"Me?" Chguck squealed? "Me no do anything!" he said, failing to convince the elf of his innocence.

"You moron! Don't you realize what you've done?"

Chguck shrugged, there was a really long list of things that Pataclaragertrude regularly blamed him for, but this time he had no idea what he might have done to irritate an elf. He decided to guess. "Step on toes?"

"Fool! You rang the Tako Bell! Now we have to feed them before they'll go back to sleep. We only ring that bell to summon them to battle. They eat the enemy, then go back to the bottom until we call them again." He looked Chguck up and down. "Too skinny," he said. "Hardly an appetizer. I better go get the enchanters. They might be able to unsummon them." He let go of Chguck, turned tail and ran.

Chguck looked over his shoulder. The tentacles were almost to shore and were grabbing anything they encountered. Rocks, old rotten logs and even one disgruntled fish. If he didn't move his warty butt soon, he'd be the next thing grabbed. He slapped it into B for boogie and he went, following the tracks left by the elf.

He crested a small hill and stopped short.

The path he stood on descended through a small forest and into a wide cove. White sands reflected the bright morning sunlight, as did the many sapphire towers reaching toward the sky. There before him was the Selumari™ city of Tulgesh, the jewel of Cyrea. Having come only as far as Thurisa during the last war, Chguck had never seen the elven city.

"Wow," was all he could say.

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: So we took some more time off. It's not like any of ya'll even noticed.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 6:58 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chguck stood transfixed by the beauty of the city. He pondered about how the Selumari™ were able to create such works of art with their architecture. He marveled at the engineering skill demonstrated in the way the buildings were constructed. His mind went back over the centuries of Cyrean history reflected in the various parts of the city-the ancient genius of the Selumari™, the contributions of the Vagha™ before the races were estranged, the wars that had required the creation of whole new sections of the city. A certain almost spiritual awe fell upon him as he contemplated all that Tulgesh represented.

(OK, he didn't really; I'm just messing with you.)

What Chguck actually thought about was the last time he had been anywhere near a Selumari™ city, and he instinctively grabbed his backside as he recalled the event. It had been an unpleasant emcounter, near the end of the last war, and he had not emerged the better for it. (Although the mere fact of his presence in the Selumari™ homeland had been enough to boost his status in his clan, and had led ultimately to his becoming chief, although not without a certain amount of embellishment and a few bribes along the way.) He wasn't sure he wanted to be this close to Tulgesh anyway. He looked around for a road that led away from the city, preferably in the general direction of Balgavarr (which, of course, Chguck had no idea how to figure out).

As he perused the scene, he spotted a skirmish of some sort off in the distance. Chariots and air-ships collided, and much dust was being kicked up. While the parties involved did not appear to be all that large, Chguck decided it was not a good idea to go investigate (or, as he put it, ""Me think Balgavarr other way."). He had no way of knowing this, but he was witnessing an incursion of the Loyalists toward the city, and the Materkites were desperately trying to keep them away. It did strike him odd, however, that the Coral Elves and Amazons appeared to be fighting each other. (Of course, this civil war had been going on for some months now, and pretty much everyone in Cyrea knew about it, but Chguck's knowledge of politics, including those of his own clan, were minimal, to put it charitably.) Still, he thought it best to avoid the clash.

He headed down the road in the opposite direction, away from Tulgesh (despite a burning curiosity about how the Selumari™ sanitation crews handled their garbage, and whether he might find some nice delicacies among their refuse) and the battle. He trotted off toward a distant woods, trying to remember why he had come to Tulgesh in the first place, and whether or not he could find his way to Balgavarr. Perhaps his Selumari™ friends Paul and Maul-oh, wait, they hadn't been Coral Elves, they had been Lava Elves. "So," Chguck wondered, "why me here?"

He was approaching the woods, and as he did a familiar smell reached his nostrils. Something was on fire. Usually when Chguck smelled wood burning, it was after a long night of revelry at The Slithering Snail, and it ended with his friends and him in front of a judge, and Pataclaragertrude bailing him out, then issuing an ample helping of The Spoon on the way home. He was reasonably sure, however, that this time it wasn't his fault.

He walked tentatively into the woods, and as he did he spotted a strange figure down the path. The creature glowed with a bluish-reddish aura, and appeared to be on fire itself. In an uncharacteristically altruistic moment, Chguck sprinted toward the creature and dove on top of it. They rolled together on the ground, but the flames did not go out, and Chgcuk found he didn't care for the sensation that the creature was causing him.

"OUCH!" yelled Chguck.

"GET OFF ME, YOU IDIOT!" yelled the creature, before breaking into a series of hissing sounds that Chguck instictively knew were not a cheery hello.

Chguck complied instantly. The creature pulled out a glowing trident, and Chguck wondered just what exactly he had gotten himself into this time.

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Maybe I should let Robert write my next installment, and see if anyone notices.

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2014-2015 U.S. National Champion
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 7:30 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

The trident's three sharpened points hovered just at the end of Chguck's warty nose. It looked very pointy, and he could feel the heat coming off it. "Toasty," he said.

"I'll toast you," snarled the creature. "Why did you jump on me?"

"You on fire," Chguck explained. "Wanted to put you out."

"I'm an Empryea, nitwit. We're always on fire."

Chguck had never heard anyone call themselves a nitwit before, but he liked people who were self-defecating.... self-dedicating... self-depeche mode... oh... something....

"Me sorry, me not know." He looked down at his scorched loincloth. Much more damage and he'd be walking around showing all his shortcomings. He rearranged it for better cover and got to his feet. "What an Empooper?" he asked.

The creature rolled it's eyes. "Empryea. The other races call us the Firewalkers. I know you're a Trog™, how come you don't know what I am?"

"Never see one of you before. Think me would remember. Me Chguck!" he added happily, thrilled to have someone new and interesting to talk to besides himself.

The Firewalker rolled his eyes. "I am Frederick." He'd been out for a casual stroll during a break while negotiating with the Selumari™ for trade rights, and he had to get tackled by a goblin. Then he thought about it a bit more. "What is a goblin doing so close to Tulgesh?" he wondered aloud.

Chguck suddenly felt the urge to be somewhere else. It was well known that the Trogs™ were not welcome in Tulgesh. This was the result of the last war and the goblins of Deepmire having far too much fun defacing the artwork and architecture of several centuries with... (we'd better not go there). Even though his battalion never got close enough to even see the city, the resulting clean-up had left a bad taste in the blue elve's mouths for anything and everything Trogish, and Chguck was about as Trogish as you could get. Despite the Empyrea's funny name (Freddy the Firewalker), he wisely kept his mouth shut for once.

"Accident," he explained. "Wanted to go that way," he said, pointing vaguely in the direction of Balgavarr. "Mountains. Fall asleep by river, wake up here. Ring stupid Tako Bell, dodge testi... tebac... tentacles, fall on Firewalker. It been a full morning."

"Seems like it," the Empyeran agreed. "Well, our people have no quarrel that I know of, at least yet. However, you Trogs™ have a bad habit of irritating your neighbors to the point they'd like to wipe you off the face of Esfah once and for all, and I can see why. I'll let your tackling me go for now, but I don't want to see you again. Do you understand?" He emphasized his point (actually, three of them), by gently prodding Chguck's narrow chest with his Trident.

Chguck backed up quickly, hands raised. "Me get it," he said quickly, eyeing the fastest route into the nearby trees. He sidestepped around Frederick and hot-footed it toward the trees. "What else go wrong today?" he wondered as he ran.

That's up to the guy writing the next installment.

To be continued....

DISCLAIMER: Okay, so it's been a while and I've kind of lost my touch. Let's see you do it better.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 5:29 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chguck ran into the dark forest. Then, he felt eyes upon him. Lots of eyes. Lots and lots of eyes. Lots and lots and... well, you get the idea. Actually it was 340 eyes. He tripped over what he recognized to be a slingshot (OK, he didn't realize it, but that was what it was).

Chguck head a booming voice from above (100 or so feet in the air).
"WHO ENTERS THE DOMAIN OF THE CURSED UNDEAD Trogs™™?”

Chguck saw a black Trog™ with wings, glowing red eyes, and a maple leaf on his shirt descend from the sky. All around him, undead pelters appeared. Lots of pelters. Lots and lots of pelters. Lots and lots and… (No, wait, not this again!) Chguck saw 169 pelters altogether (or as he put it "Too dang many pelters!").

"Chguck, is that you?" inquired the Demon.
"You know me?" a startled Chguck answered.
"Of course we know you, Chguck. You sentenced us to an early demise when you brought us to help the Sarslayan overcome the Morehl™™ and Undead. Your 'Lizard Friends' destroyed us."
"My brain hurt, too many big words…"
"You killed us by having us help the Sarslayan!"
"Me know you now. You maple-leaf pelters me bring to help hissy friends. But me no remember you."
"I am Roburk the Insane Winged Demon Undead Pelter, their leader."

At Roburk’s command, the 169 pelters spontaneously broke into their introductory song: “O Canada.”

(Chguck moaned to himself, “Too many big words in song!”)

"Stop that singing now. We are not going into battle- but since you've already sang the song, SEIZE HIM!"

The undead pelters leapt onto Chguck, and the biggest next to Roburk took the sling from the ground, said "Thank you for finding this," and readied the sling to kill Chguck.

Chguck struggled with all his might to escape the clutches of the pelters, but they were too strong.

Roburk the Insane intervened in the execution, "You idiots, do you want HIM to become one of us?"

The undead thought for a moment, then let out a scream of terror and fled far away. Far, far away. Far, far.. (OK, now this is just getting annoying.)

Roburk readied his sling and muttered to Chguck: "This is so you can never follow us where we are going."

Chguck saw the sling being loaded, and as if a person typing at his computer controlled him (“What a computer?” mused Chguck), he couldn't move from the aim of the deadly undead pelter.

The shot fired.

The shot hit Chguck's head with a sound much as if it hit a hollow coconut.

To Chguck, the world became fuzzy (not that it wasn’t that way normally, mind you). Then everything went black.

And he passed out.


To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Pelters will someday rule over all of Esfah!

DISCLAIMER II: This episode brought to you by a guest writer. Even without looking at the poster's name, I'll bet you could guess who it was.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 6:52 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chguck awoke, lying alone in a clearing deep in the forest. His head swam a bit from a nasty knock, but otherwise he seemed to be all right.

He picked up his axe-the one with the polished obsidian head and the ancient Trog™ runes carved into its ebony handle. "Ah, fair friend!" he cried. "I would have been sore pressed to complete my quest without thine inestimable presence in my grasp!" He raised the axe in his mighty right hand and swung it around to regain his feel for its delicate balance.

"And now, off again to track down the foul vagabonds who have despoiled our lands!" Chguck called, following this declaration with a mighty goblin war cry. He smiled to himself as he realized he was now close upon the trail of Stevik and Jo'ek, and woe to them the day he caught up with their nefarious band!

Chguck assumed a rapid pace as he strode through the forest. The sun glinted off the hints of copper inlay on his legendary black armor. He walked tirelessly for hours. Indeed, it was well into the afternoon before he paused by a brook to refresh himself.

Chguck rummaged through his pack for something to eat. True, he often would go days without nourishment, none the worse for his exertions, but having just successfully ambushed a Selumari™ caravan that had the audacity to challenge his right to move through their lands (as if forty paltry elves could stand against his might!), he was laden with the finest that their kind could offer. True, the wine was a bit too clear and sweet for the Trog™ palate, and the food overcooked to his taste-still, the taste was excellent when mixed with the memory of his complete victory.

Just as he finished his repast and prepared to resume his march, a slender figure burst from the woods nearby. "Oh, Chguck," a feminine voice cried. "You must come and save us!" She nearly fainted into his massive arms.

"Why, Marsha, what has disturbed thee so fiercely?" Chguck soothingly asked, his deep, mellifluous voice calming the agitated Amazon.

"It's the Efflorah," she panted. "They have attacked our outpost on the edge of Seshara, and we fear it will be lost."

"Those vile creatures of Earth!" roared Chguck. He saw that Marsha shrank back at this display of his dread fury, and decided to hold back some of the rage comsuming him. "They take over forests throughout Cyrea, and yet it is not enough. They wish to have your plains as well? Where will they stop?"

Marsha swooned at the sight of Chguck's manly (well, Trogly) studliness. "Oh , Chguck," she murmured as she sank further against his chest. "I'm sure they know they can never have the swamps as long as you defend them, but the rest of us are not so fortunate."

Chgcuk knew where his duty lay. He cursed the lead that Stevik and Jo'ek would gain from his turning aside, but he could not allow the vile Treefolk to take advantage of the Amazons. "I will come and turn them back," he said to Marsha. "Moreover, I will pursue them into their own lands, and take their forests for firewood for the Amazons. They will learn what it is like to be conquered!"

Marsha rose to her feet again, her strength gradually returning. "I knew you would help," she said. "You have always been a great friends of my people."

"And, beside that," Chguck responded, "how could I say no to the mother of my child?"

DISCLAIMER: You just know there's something wrong with this picture, don't you?
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 8:46 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, it's clear now. Steve left the computer logged in to his account, and one of his sons typed the message in his name....
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 1:52 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chguck awoke with a start and a bad taste in his mouth (you had to know that was a dream, right?).

Things were just getting too weird as of late, what with dreaming about talking in complete sentences and using proper grammar, something no Trog™ would ever do. The part about seducing an Amazon hadn't been half bad, come to think of it, and that part could have gone on a little longer, but dreams were fleeting.

He shook his head, dislodging a fair number of cobwebs from his large ears. And what about that stranger vision of hordes of pelters? That was just insulting, even to himself. Only the dumbest of goblins became pelters. Even by Trog™ standards they were the ghetto end of the swamps. Brainless, ignorant louts who could barely hold a slingshot and spent the better part of any engagement cowering behind their shields. Everyone knew the real action was with the boys carrying the hatchets and screaming war cries. You had to be some kind of buffoon to even think about becoming a pelter. Most of them were so ugly their mothers tossed them out at birth, and a mother Trog™ could stand a lot of ugly. Those too tenacious to die ended up pelters. That must have been some conk to the noggin, he mused. Me? A pelter? Afraid of pelters? "Bah! Me have too much pride to be one of those scum-sucking-butt-belches." (Okay, maybe I went a little too far there, but you're getting the general idea. At least I hope so).

Chguck wandered through the forest, once again aiming for the far distant mountains where Stevik and J'oek waited to be kicked, and happily putting the noisy (and much too wet and clean), coastland behind his wide, sallow behind.

He stayed within the trees to stay out of sight of anything that might hinder his journey further. It was starting to dawn on him that this quest was taking far too long, and the suspiscion was growing that he might be the butt of some long-running joke that just never seemed to end. It just wasn't fair. How many different creatures had he encountered so far? Elves both red and blue, Firewalkers, Giants, a Thesaurus (whatever that had been), Amazons, a Sarslayan, and even a few members of his own race. He counted on his fingers. "Three!" What a long, strange trip it had been.

On rare occassions, even hapless Trogs™ can have a little luck. A group of fast moving shadows passed around Chguck, and he froze like a mouse that has sighted a hawk. Too late.

Seconds later he was caught up in a dust raising whirlwind of winged figures that blinded him and even frightened him with their loud screeching and cackling laughter. Cries of, "Takes it high and drops it!" were more than a little worrisome. Then his wrists were grabbed and his feet left the ground, and he was again, airborn. When the dust finally cleared from his watering eyes he was far abover the earth and gaining altitude rapidly. It was a loooooooooong way down. Too far to even hope to bounce. He looked to either side at the creatures holding him and groaned.

Faeli.

The Scalders had fought briefly in the last war of Cyrea, and had been beaten soundly by the Frostwings. They had returned to the plaguelands and had not been seen for years. They harbored some ill will toward all races, but especially the ones that had supposedly been on the same side. They were supposed to have won! Nothing irked a steamdancer more than losing. That's why they were never invited to poker night at the Slithering Snail. Besides that, they cheated worse than any goblin.

On the plus side, they hadn't dropped him yet, and were going in the direction he had been heading. The Kafnysans were still distant but not as far as they had been before. Maybe they'd drop him on top of a mountain. He decided to suggest it. "Me grateful for lift," he sputtered. "Set me down near Balgavarr, okay?"

The Scalder to his right turned and scowled at him. "We drops it where we wants it to fall," it said through pointed teeth. "It should shuts it's mouth." It wrenched his arm and Chguck yelped. Then a flaming mace swung so near his face that his eyebrows were scorched away. "We could use some batting practice if it doesn't be quiet." Chguck got the point and clamped his jaws shut, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

No matter where it took him.

One thought comforted him though.

At least he wasn't a pelter.

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: My leg doesn't hurt that much tonight, and I couldn't sleep, and Chguck has had a long enough break. Lets see what happens next.
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 5:53 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

After Chguck thought many more things about pelters that shall not be listed here, he decided to start walking towards Balgavarr (or, at least, where he thought Balgavarr was). He then saw a shadow vaguely similar to something he had seen before, maybe in a dream.
"Chguck! How did you find us here?! I knocked you out cold into a dream sequence that was supposed to be at least five posts, I mean hours, long!"

It was Roburk the Insane Winged Demon Undead Pelter, again.

"Dream only one long. Me thought you in dream."
"No, I was real, all else you remember from afterwords was a figment of you subconscious being's imagination."
"Huh?" as Chguck's head started emitting sparks while he was trying to understand what Roburk said.
"It was a dream."
"Oh."
"Our psychic pelters said that you have been thinking bad things about pelters."
"No, me no do that!"
Roburk replied with a wide, toothy, evil, demonic, ghastly,etc. grin and a snap of his fingers.

Chguck saw eyes, and more eyes, and even more eyes, and still more eyes, and, you guessed it, more eyes. Chguck started counting, but got lost around 5 (from the adrenaline rush).

"BEHOLD FRED AND HIS MIGHTY LEGION OF 185 PELTERS, WHO WILL REAP VENGEANCE UPON YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO US!"

Uh-Oh thought Chguck.

185 pelters loaded their slingshot, and Roburk held his scythe at the ready.

"What did I tell you about killing Chguck?"

The 185 pelters reloaded their slingshots with elastic capturing devices and shot Chguck with them.

"This like dump again, only soft and stretchy."

No following us this time. The dream sequence should be longer, or we'll come back."

Roburk took his scythe, raised it over his head, created a cool silhouette against the sun, and came down with a deathblow on Chguck's head.

The scythe hit Chguck's head with a sound much as if it hit a hollow coconut.

To Chguck, the world became fuzzy (not that it wasn’t that way normally, mind you). Then everything went black.

And he passed out.

Disclaimer: I mean it, if the dream sequence doesn't last at least five posts long this time, I'm jacking the story again.
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 6:14 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Destroyer wrote:
Disclaimer: I mean it, if the dream sequence doesn't last at least five posts long this time, I'm jacking the story again.


Or until I delete the preceding post entirely. You're out of sequence kid. First your Dad, then you, and then only with permission (maybe). Twisted Evil
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:30 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is my first time posting and I don't know if I'm doing it right or if I'm posting where I shouldn't be or anything like that. I really don't want to intrude into the middle of your story. But I just wanted you guys to know that I've just spent the last two hours straight reading your story from start to finish. (It came highly recommended by Derek, aka Tinytode.) I just want to say: THANK YOU I NEEDED THAT!!! Being a new fan of the game, as well as a long standing fan of Harry Potter, LOTR, and truly random references, I found your story really and truly amazing! It was precisely what I needed after a long week, and I'm very much looking forward to the next installment - you've sucked me in and I'm going to have to keep up now! Anywho, thanks for the laughs! Very Happy

We really have to get all the Jersians together for a game sometime soon!
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 8:32 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: This segment actually goes between the previous two. It will be moved there when the official Annotated Edition of Once Upon a Forum is posted on the DDRC web site. So don't give me any grief about it.]

Chguck enjoyed his trip through the skies, more or less (although mostly less, since he wasn't terribly fond of heights and had a nasty feeling he was about to embark on another one of his famed "drop like a stone from the sky into some other place he'd rather not be" sequences). He thought about nodding off, but then he realized he might have another dream, and although the last one had been rather pleasant (albeit far shorter than he, and perhaps some others, might have liked), hearing himself speak in those barbarously long sentences had given him a splitting headache (or, as Chguck put it, "Lots of words make head hurt"), and he also suspected a dream that came while several thousand feet up in the air might not be quite so good. So he just kind of hung there, letting the wind whip on his face and occasionally making disgusting noises and/or smells just to annoy his captors (without, of course, realizing that in so doing he was just making the inevitable disastrous landing far more likely).

After what seemed like many hours (and which, in point of fact, actually was many hours, this being one of the very few times in his life that Chguck's sense of reality had some vague resemblance to actuality), the Scalder descended and gently set Chguck down on the ground.

"Huh?" grunted Chguck.

"Does the scum have a complaint?" the Scalder hissed back at him.

"No," Chguck replied. "Me just not used to...used to...uh, not crashing down."

The Scalder thought a moment. "We could take you back up and drop you, if you prefer," he offered.

Chguck pondered for a moment-but only a moment. Even his dim wits could pick up the obvious on occasion. "No, thanks," he said. "Thanks for ride."

Without another words the Faeli flew off, much to Chguck's relief. (He hadn't been certain that the creature wouldn't pick him up again anyway, and he really didn't want to jeopardize his fortunate landing, or, as he put it, "No bumps, that good!").

Only after the Faeli had left did Chguck realize that he had forgotten to ask where he was. He looked around. Something about this place looked vaguely familiar. Now if only he could remember where he had seen it before-or why it seemed to him like he ought to be there...

Just then he heard a stirring in the underbrush. Utilizing his lightning-quick reflexes, honed by years on the battlefield, he dove out of sight behind a nearby rock (in the process whacking his head pretty good on it, which did him no serious harm but chipped a rather large hunk off the rock). He peered out to see a small, misshapen form before him, but one he knew well.

"AAAAAAUGH!!! PELTER!!!!" Chguck screamed.

"AAAAAAUGH!!! CHGUCK!!!" the pelter screamed.

They both ran around in circles for a few minutes, before painfully colliding with each other and dropping to the ground.

"What you do here?" Chguck demanded.

"Me running away from dragons!" the pelter screeched.

"How many dragons?" asked Chguck.

The pelter held out his hands, with three fingers raised on each. "Four," he stated.

Chguck let out a noise of sympathy. (No, I'm not going to be more specific.) "Too many," he said. Then, thinking about his predicament, he asked, "Where this?"

The pelter shrugged. "Not know," he said, "but that big mountain there called something like Bowling Ball."

Chguck looked at the mountain. "Me think I want to go there," he stated. Then, for no apparent reason, he kicked the pelter down the path. "Go home!" he called after it, as the pelter sprinted down the road toward Tulgesh (which Chguck was fairly certain wasn't exactly the way home, but then again, what did he know?).

A sudden chill went through Chguck as he conjured up a mental image of four thousand pelters. "That make anyone crazy!" he decided. "Nassssty creatures..."

DISCLAIMER: OK, I admit I let Pelter Boy post that last one, but heck, I wanted a longer dream sequence too. So don't let me down, Joe-but leave out the pelters.
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PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2006 4:47 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just wanted to say this because I don't think anybody would have checked this: Once Upon a Forum has now been running for one full year, so it is both its day of creation and my birthday on May 7.

Also I would like to ask an unrelated question: when is Chguck going to have his first part of his dream?
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:44 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chguck awoke, feeling more than a little fuzzy (not that that was anything unusual, particularly after a long night at The Slithering Snail). He peered cautiously around, expecting to see the ever-expanding legion of Pelters again, and wondering why he was afflicted with so much exposure to the obviously overrated and underwhelming creatures (or, as he put it, "TOO DANG MANY @#$%^ PELTERS!"). Instead, he peered over the edge of the cliff (and, of course, being Chguck it didn't faze him in the least that he was up on a high cliff instead of on a path toward Balgavarr).

There were several massive armies-Selumari™, Vagha™, Morehl™, Trogs™, and a couple of others he couldn't quite make out-just standing around on various hills, plains, coasts, and swamps. He saw a large contingent of dragons of all colors (which sent a serious shiver down his yellow spine), just kind of, well, spinning. (Dragon spinning is rarely witnessed by creatures who survive to tell about it, but it is said that it is something spectacular to behold-and usually a once-in-a-lifetime experience.) Farther off in the distance he saw vague shapes, but he couldn't quite make out just exactly what they were (again, not an uncommon occurence for Chguck, even when he knew what he was looking at, and these were certainly both too far off and too unfamiliar to be anything from his previous experience).

Given the size of the armies, and knowing how much the different races liked each other (especially the Trogs™, who pretty much didn't like anybody), Chguck was puzzled why there was no great clash of battle, no heroic stands, no bloody charges (or, more accurately, he thought, "Nobody fighting? Huh?"). Just then a Dwarven Footman came around the bend toward Chguck. Chguck assumed his usual battle position (which involved a lot of cringing and wetness), but the dwarf just ignored him and started to pass by.

"Hey!" Chguck called after him. "Why no big fight?"

The Vagha™ turned with an exasperated look. "You mean that down there? It's because They're not finished yet. We can't fight without Them."

"Who They?" Chguck asked. He wasn't sure he really wanted to know the answer, since They sounded rather ominous, but his natural curiosity (or perhaps his lack of self-control) made him ask anyway.

The dwarf pointed toward the center of the gathering. "See that big rock down there?" he said. "You can just make out a little group on top, with their strange sparking boxes. That's Them."

Chguck shivered again. "What They do?" he asked.

"Beats me," said the Vagha™. "Maybe you should go ask Them." And with that he started up the path again.

Chguck thought a moment. Sure, it was a big mystery, and he was curious. Then again, They sounded awfully powerful and scary. He had just decided that discretion was the better part of valor (or, more likely, "Me better keep safe"), when it seemed that a force from beyond took control of him. He took a running leap off the cliff toward the big rock.

He had been airborne for at least three seconds when he realized two things: the rock was a lot farther off than he thought, and he still couldn't fly, despite his past experiences of soaring through the air via various means.

Or...could he?

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: OK, Joe, I know we had that "other project," but Chguck needs to get moving again...at least in his dreams.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 9:24 am GMT    Post subject: Chgapter 4Q2 Reply with quote

Chguck shuddered as he again considered the implications of a massive number of those dim-witted pelters cruising around the land annoying decent people (and Trogs™) with their childish antics, rude behavior, and fierce BO (and for Chguck to think something smelled bad... well, you can just imagine). Still, there were worse things to consider. First of all, where in blazing hells was he, and how far behind was Pataclaragertrude and the Spoon? He could remember encountering her at some point on his journey, but so much time had passed he wasn't sure where, when, or how many bruises he'd gotten away with.

So much had happened to him, his mind (such as it was), was in a whirl. He kicked at loose stones as he trudged up the mountain path, idely picking the occasional flea out of his armpit (they crunched so nicely between his teeth), and muttering to himself at the unfairness of life in general.

A small figure by the side of the trail caught his eye. What was a little Amazon doing so far from Seshara?

The little human smiled when she saw him and chirped laughter. "Hi! Are you exploring too?"

He was amazed at how bold she was. Human children were usually frightened at the sight of a male Trog™ in all his muscular glory (are you gagging yet?), and this one just sat there rummaging through a purple backpack. He stared at it, wondering where on Esfah she'd found that particular item. He liked purple, but it wasn't one of the offered colors on anything for sale at the Trog™-Mart. So he simply nodded his reply. She giggled.

"You're funny. I'm going to Balgavarr. I hear they have caverns full of rock candy, so I wanted to try some."

A light bulb went on over Chguck's head. He didn't like how dull it looked, so he reached up and switched it off. "You know where Balgavarr is? Me been looking for long time now."

She held up the backpack. "I have a map in here."

The lightbulb went on again. Annoyed, Chguck unscrewed it from the socket and tossed it down the mountainside. The girl smiled again. "That might not have been such a good idea," she said.

"Show me map," he demanded.

She stood up, and of all things, started to sing. Backpack, backpack. Backpack, backpack."

"Stop dat," he growled, holding his ears. How could anyone listen to such drivel and retain their sanity? Instead of getting angry at his grumpiness, she opened the pack and pulled out a rolled up parchment. She spread it out. "The map, the map, we'll look at the map!"

It was crudely drawn, but admittedly, still better than he could have done. She pointed at three landmarks. "Trail, tree, doorway! Trail, tree, doorway! Trail, tree, doorway!"

Chguck sighed. He was tempted to smack her around a bit, but knew the censors would object to such violence in what was essentially a fairy tale. He crouched down and checked the landmarks. The trail he was on, so that was taken care of. All he had to do now was look for a big gnarled tree ahead, and a big branch would point out the doorway into Balgavarr. He could finally do him some butt-kickin'! He stood up and watched as she rolled up the map and put it in the backpack. Shrugging it on, she grinned up at his ugly face. "Let's go!"

To hell with the censors, Chguck thought to himself, and kicked her off the trail and down the steep slope of the mountian. His big toe throbbed from the impact, but for some strange reason he felt pretty good about himself. Balgavarr was near, his adventure was coming to an end at long last, and so far, the great censors had let him get away with that impulsive act.

He skipped up the path, not even realizing he was singing to himself.

"Backpack, backpack. Backpack, backpack..."


To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Okay, so it's been awhile. Life gets in the way sometimes, and my new job is killing me. I'll try and do my part in getting Chguck finished, but no promises on how much time I can devote to his adventure until things calm down. So there. As for Chguck's rather rude treatment of You-know-who, I'd have done the exact same thing in his place, so I let him get away with it. Twisted Evil
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Most people are like Slinkies ...
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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


Last edited by Majiken on Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:33 pm GMT; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 4:54 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

As he continued up the path, singing "Backpack, backpack" (which, after he finished mangling the words, came out more like "Bad Pat! Bad Pat!"), Chguck felt about as good about himself as he had felt in months. After all, he had just emerged victorious in an encounter, which had been a pretty darn rare occurence for him on this trip (or, for that matter, on any trip he had ever taken), he was nearing Balgavarr (which, he was reasonably certain, was where he had been heading all along, although for the moment he couldn't exactly recall why), and he had avoided a horrific landing while looking for Them. (This last one puzzled him greatly, or at least gave him a few seconds pause. Just HOW had he managed to escape that one??)

Suddenly Chguck had the dread feeling that he was not alone. (Or, as he put it, "Who there?") He heard the Backpack song wafting through the woods, which wouldn't have bothered him much except he realized he had stopped singing. The voice seemed familiar, so he turned to look.

The tiny Amazon was right behind him. She appeared completely unharmed and unfazed by his assault, as if someone always drew her exactly the same way every time. To Chguck's amusement, she was apparently talking to either the sky or to an unseen audience. He stopped to hear what she was saying.

"What can we use to punish a mean old Trog™?" she said. "Can we use this ice cream cone?" Chguck thought that the cone looked somewhat tasty, although its garish pink color suggested it was flavored like one of those horrible sweet berries the Selumari™ liked. "No? How about this rubber duck?" Chguck has never seen a bird like the one she pulled from her pack. It had big blue eyes, and sat completely motionless. For some reason, it scared the bezortch out of him, kind of the way those strangely costumed creatures called "clowns" did. "Not that? How about this big fluffy pillow?" She pulled out a cloth sack full of feathers, and for the life of him Chguck could not figure out any reason to carry feathers like that, unless she was gathering them for the arrow-makers.

Then Chguck froze in horror as she said, "Hmmm...how about this big wooden spoon that the nice goblin lady gave me?" There in her hand was...was...THE SPOON!! Chguck paused for a second to wonder how she had acquired it, then his finely honed Trog™ reflexes kicked in.

He ran. He ran like a tiny baby elf being chased by a Sarslayan, only with a little less courage and a little more urgency. The Amazon was following him, shouting, "Goblin, no kicking! Goblin, no kicking!" and whacking him with the spoon with every word.

Chguck realized he had severely underestimated this hardened Amazon warrior, and he could see no way out of his predicament. "OH, MAN!" he shouted as he stumbled up the path.

Surprisingly, with that cry the Amazon stopped striking him. She turned and spoke to the sky, "There! That will teach the nasty Trog™ to use better manners." She returned to her backpack, picked it up, and walked off-fortunately for Chguck, in the direction opposite the one he wanted to travel. (He wasn't sure if the direction he was travelling was the right one, but hey, discretion is the better part of valor, or, as Chguck put it, "She going other way.")

He continued to trudge toward Balgavarr (or at least, the direction he thought Balgavarr was).

To be continued...

DISCLAIMER: Who needs censors when we have future installments?
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(Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...)
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