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Joe*k of the Day.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:56 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old man and a lady walked into a fast food joint and ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries, and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat a few bites of his hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over and once again offered to buy more food. After once again having his offer refused, he finally asked the little old lady, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


Last edited by Majiken on Wed Aug 03, 2005 6:46 am GMT; edited 1 time in total
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Deeghter
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:36 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought she'd be saying: "Wheeeere's the beef??" Laughing Laughing
(To all youngtimers in this forum, I'm referring to a very famous TV commercial from the beginning of the 80s! Is it still known or did people forget about it??)
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SFR's German electro-punk-bluegrass artist Deeghter @@ My S&JW Memorial Space! Tanx, Steve!
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 1:05 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation is terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 10:38 am GMT    Post subject: And now for something political... Reply with quote

One day three boys were were fishing under a bridge when George Bush came jogging by and slipped and fell off and into the water.

The three boys saved him.

George Bush said that he would give them anything they wanted.

The first boy said that he wanted a trip to Disneyland. George Bush said, "OK, I will take care of that when I get back."

The second boy said, "I want my dad to have a new car." George Bush said, "OK, I will take care of that when I get back."

The third boy said, "I want an electric wheelchair."

President Bush said, "But why, son? Why would you need that? You're not crippled."

The boy replied, "I will be after my dad finds out who I saved from drowning."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 11:57 am GMT    Post subject: Okay, this is a good'un... Reply with quote

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

Laughing
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Deeghter
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 12:12 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

One of the best that have been posted here!!! Great!
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SFR's German electro-punk-bluegrass artist Deeghter @@ My S&JW Memorial Space! Tanx, Steve!
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:27 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you?d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Netherworlder
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:05 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ogg the Trogg gets a job painting lines down the center of the road (in very advanced section of Esfah). The boss gives him a paint can and a paint brush and sends him off to work. At the end of day 1, Ogg returns. The boss asks how he did. "Ogg paint 8 miles of lines today." The boss is impressed. Most other workers only do 5 miles of lines per day so he tells Ogg what a great job he has done. The next day Ogg returns and says he did 4 miles of lines. The boss thinks that this is a big drop off, but Ogg's average is still high. He thanks Ogg for the good work. The next day Ogg finishes 2 miles of lines. The boss begins to get concerned. On the fourth day Ogg only finishes 1 mile of lines so he gets fired. The boss asks him, "How could you finish 8 miles in one day, then drop to 4, then 3 and then 1?"

Ogg replies, "Every day I get further and further away from the paint can!"
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Netherworlder
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:13 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Lava Elf and his Coral Elf buddy go golfing every week. One day the Lava Elf's wife asks to come along. They get to the 18th hole, a long par 4 with an outhouse between the tee and the green. The Lava Elf asks, "How do I play this one? You've been here before and I haven't."

The Coral Elf explains: "Send your wife up to the outhouse. She can prop the window open with her hand, hold the door open with her foot. You hit the ball in the open door, out the open window and onto the green."

The Lava Elf takes his advice and sends her on ahead. He hit the ball into the outhouse but it bounces off the window sill, ricochets into his wife's temple and kills her. The Coral Elf is overcome with grief that his suggestion ended so badly. After the funeral he leaves the Lava Elf in peace for a year.

On the anniversary of the tragic event the two elves find themselves on the same golf course facing the same outhouse on the 18th hole. The Lava Elf asks, "How do I play this one?"

The Coral Elf explains: "I will go up to the outhouse. I can prop the window open with my hand, hold the door open with my foot. You hit the ball in the open door, out the open window and onto the green."

The Lava Elf explodes angrily, "No way will I do that again! Don't you remember the tragedy last year?"

The Coral Elf shrinks away in shame. "How could I ever forget..."

"Yeah, I shot 3 over-par on this hole that time."
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 11:59 am GMT    Post subject: I'm going to get booed for this one... Reply with quote

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer. What's the holdup?"

"It's O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He's depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far, ten gallons."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:09 pm GMT    Post subject: Fair warning, this is a baaaaaad one! Reply with quote

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on it's butt. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's rectum. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, honey, this looks like yours!"
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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ddicerc
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 7:37 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where do vampires go to learn to suck blood?


















Law school

DISCLAIMER: Apologies to any lawyers on the forum. Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where we can get SFR's legal papers done pro bono, would you?
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(Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...)
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riolis
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:18 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

what did the Amazon say to her Vampire ally?




















We may be on the same team but don't expect me to stick my neck out for you. Twisted Evil
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:20 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

"That's a Thermos," the clerk said. "It keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 10:05 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Billy Bob and Luther were talking in the hills one afternoon.

Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me!"
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 3:26 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two o'clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue.' "You should eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 7:25 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush lets the kids ask questions.

"How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?" asked little Billy.

Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they'll continue afterward. Half an hour later the kids come back in.

"Where were we?" says George. "Oh, yes, does anyone want to ask me anything?"

A different boy raises his hand and says, "I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, lastly, where the hell is Billy?"
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 7:31 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

"One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!"

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men! It's a trap! There are two of them!"
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 2:25 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman goes into her dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm going to have to drill that tooth."

Horrified, the woman said, "Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby."

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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cliffwiggs
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 9:19 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Amazon Oracle and a Goblin Wardog Rider are involved in a chariot accident; it's a bad one. Both of their chariots are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their chariots, the Amazon says, "So you're a Goblin man, that's interesting. I'm an Amazon woman. Wow, just look at our chariots! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the Goblin replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My chariot is completely demolished but this bottle of mead didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this mead and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the Goblin, The Goblin nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the Amazon.

The Amazon takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Goblin.

The Goblin asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Amazon replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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