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Joe*k of the Day.
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Chguck
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 11:30 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

See! Can't trust Amazon. May not have wooden spoons, but hurt us Goblins other ways.
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Mr. Green
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:34 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

This makes me being attracted by Amazons even more!
Mr. Green Mr. Green Mr. Green Mr. Green Mr. Green
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 12:06 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wife wakes up of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. Checking around the house, she hears sounds from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she finds her husband curled up into a little ball on the floor, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asks, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me that I could either marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replies.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:48 pm GMT    Post subject: Okay, yeah, so I like blonde jokes... Reply with quote

A blonde with financial troubles decides to kidnap a child for ransom. She writes on a piece of paper: "I've kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. signed, The Blonde." She walks over to the park, grabs a little boy, pins the note to his jacket, and tells him to run home.

The next morning, the blonde goes back to the park, where she sees the boy standing behind the oak tree.

"I'm supposed to give you this," he says, handing her a brown bag. As she counts the money, she notices a new note pinned to his jacket: "For the record, I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another."
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Most people are like Slinkies ...
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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Lasverin
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 1:38 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two men walk into a bar ......


The third one ducks .......

Baddabing Very Happy
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 2:45 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
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The Maj

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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 11:46 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 1:39 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A birthing coach begins the class by saying, "All you mommies-to-be should know that walking while you’re pregnant is very beneficial. And you husbands, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partners."

One husband: "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag?"
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 6:54 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: How do you make a cat go woof?

Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil


A: Douse it with gasoline and throw a match on it!
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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 12:30 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn, only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 10:40 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.



Ya know, eventually one of these jokes is going to get me shot. Rolling Eyes
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 11:44 am GMT    Post subject: 2 Dogs vs 2 Wives Reply with quote

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
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Netherworlder
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Joined: 25 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:04 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Majiken wrote:
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.


Q: What do you have when 28 West Virginians meet in the same room?

A: One full set of teeth Very Happy

Any other jokes I know about people from West Virginia are too rude to post here!
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 1:35 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the teacher calls on Johnny to tell the first story. Johnny says, "My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," says the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

Johnny replies, "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Netherworlder
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 12:53 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Steve sees an ad in the paper for a talking dog for sale: $20

He goes to see Joe, the man selling the dog, to look it over and find out if it is legitimate. Joe shows Steve into the room where the dog is currently watching TV.

The dog looks up at Steve and says, "Hi, how are you today?"

Steve is astounded! He asks the talking dog, "Have you always talked?"

"Of course."

"How have you used you talents?"

"Well, at first I worked at a training school for dogs, as an interpreter. The pooches learned much faster when directions were given in their own language. After that I decided that it would be more helpful if I trained police dogs and lead dogs for the blind. After a couple of years I moved up into bomb and drug sniffing since I could describe perfectly the amount and types of materials I smelled. After the 9-11 attacks the government called and I answered. I went to work as a spy, after all, who thinks to shoo a dog out of the room during a top secret meeting? Once I had gathered the information that led to the capture of Saddam Hussein, I decided to retire and head to Florida to live out my twilight years."

Steve thanks the dog and goes to talk to Joe. Steve says, "Your dog is amazing, why on earth are you selling him?"

Joe says, "I have had him since he was a puppy and I'm sick of him lying all of the time."
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Netherworlder
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 4:27 pm GMT    Post subject: Poor little Trog™ Reply with quote

A amazon walks to work by the same path every day. She passes a Trog™ home at the same time every morning and each time the mother Trog™ is inside smacking her son in the head with a loaf of bread. This continues for months on end until one day the amazon is surprise to see the momma Trog™ smash a cake in her son's face instead.

She stops an pokes her head in the door: "I don;t mean to intrude, but every day for months you have hit your son with bread, today you hit him with a cake. Would you mind telling me why you do that?"

"Simple," replies the momma Trog™. "Today is his birthday."
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Derwood Bowen
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Joined: 27 Apr 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 2:09 pm GMT    Post subject: New Joke Reply with quote

A man is lying on his death bed, with his wife at his side. With his last dying breath he wants to ease his conscience so he asks her to lean over close to him so he can confess to her. Faintly, with his last dying breaths, he says, "Honey. I am so sorry. I must confess to you that I have been unfaithful."

His wife says, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 10:06 pm GMT    Post subject: Airline Humor Reply with quote

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite"

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal"

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally every one had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
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Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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chuckpint
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 12:30 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

You left out one of my favorites:

On many Southwest flights the flight attendant will announce at the end of the flight, "Please return your seats to the fully upright and uncomfortable setting."
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 3:19 pm GMT    Post subject: It's been awhile... Reply with quote

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimers. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"
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Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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